Only shy

Someone told me today that I am shy.

I woke up today and I couldn't open my eyes. I would have stayed in bed until tomorrow but my mother had brought me an orange juice in an attempt to cure my new deep manly voice and I had to drink it. Like many other things in life, I had forgotten how a real orange juice tastes like... yummy!
Laying down in my bed, I could guess the sun was shining and, slowly, the noise from my street started to filter through my ears; I was definitely waking up, no chance I was going to fall asleep again. For one quick second I was happy: I was at home, being taken care of and with five holiday days ahead of me! Shame that that second went away so quickly...

My brain started spinning and my body jumped out of the bed; oh wow, better not looking at myself in the mirror, go to the shower, confirm that not eating doesn't help to loose weight, get dressed, open the door, grab my mother and leave the house... Thoughts had started coming in and staying there and by the time I left the hairdresser and my father took me to see where they keep their canoes, I had already had enough of myself.
Lunch time didn't work out either. A big delicious home made dish was devoured at the same pace I was blinking. Finish the food, put on the swimsuit, grab my mother again and go to the beach.

It was supposed to be good, the sun is good, the sea is good, the smell is good, the breeze is good. But I was not good. I simply couldn't see it. Suddenly I blocked. I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I wanted to explain what was happening to me but I couldn't bring myself to articulate any words. I wanted to hug my mother. I wanted to tell her. I realised how dissapointed I am of myself, how stupid it is not to do what you want to do every minute, how abnormal that is, how sick.

Two hours later I was at home. I had focused so badly in this that I couldn't see any good in anything anymore. There mustn't be any human explanation to this behaviour. I'm tired of looking for answers when the only answer is that I am a failure. I want to hug a friend but I can't do it. I want to say to someone how much they mean to me but I can't do it. I want to express how excited I am about something but I can't do it. And I know that it looks as if I just let life pass by. But I don't. I am enjoying all those moments and straight after I am drowning at the impossibility of communicating them. That's sick.

Then someone told me that I am shy. I had completely forgotten about it. I had worked so hard for so long on my self esteem, so hard for so long on getting over speaking in public, doing meetings, speaking with strangers, attending social events, feeling comfortable among strangers that I had forgotten that I am shy. The more I care, the more I become. The more I become, the more I need help to get over it. I'm not sick, I have this limit. I seriously work on it to stop it from blocking my acts and my real self but sometimes I need help.

Suddenly my thoughts have started to get off my brain. Maybe I'm not such a failure. Maybe I just need to keep on fighting and, some day, I might not need help in this anymore. Until that moment... thanks for reminding me that I am only shy.