Small doses

I wonder why I am seen as a strong person when I am so clearly not...

Today I tried to be strong. I started thinking in the morning if I should do something or just stick to my beliefs and I had to convince myself to stick to them. Actually, I tricked myself into believing that by postponing an action I would be sticking to my beliefs, but at least I made it through the morning and the afternoon. The evening came and I was proud of myself... but two beers later I started thinking all over again and suddenly seemed quite obvious that I had waited enough and I was already allowed to act.

So I did. And it went well. But... so what??

If it had not gone well I would have been facing a difficult end of the night. And the fact is that it only gave me a small dose to keep on going but it did not help long term.

If I had stuck to my beliefs, I would be miserable but disciplined enough to start letting it go. Because all I did, and all I do, is postpone actions to trick my brain, and then act on those terms to make the process longer so I don't have to face the reality. And it will take me who knows how long this time to believe that the only way to get over it is stopping.

But I am not that strong to listen to myself so... I will keep on taking the small doses until life acts on my behalf once again.