Running away

If we could only see ourselves from our loved ones point of view, our life would be so much easier... At least for people like me whose expectations are higher than what we can actually afford.

Sunday afternoon, 28 degrees outside in the sun, I am at the beach, wearing a dress, sunglasses and covering my body with a towel. For you, the sun was shining on me and the breeze was just about cooling down the heat. For me, the sun was far away and unable to transmit warmth, the wind was taking off the little heat I could get and the towel was too small to cover me. It's impossible to sit down when you feel like running into the sea, far away from the shore, deep inside where there might be no return. If you do sit the feeling of running away will go in crescendo.

Three minutes of yelling later I had to leave. Ten minutes after I was running. In another ten minutes I couldn't hear anything but heavy breathing anymore. Next two minutes, the towel was gone. A minute later I had stopped and my knees were in touch with the ground. Thirty seconds later I was happy. I was so exhausted that my body couldn't bear me anymore. Ten seconds later I was lying down on the sand. The sun was shining, I could feel the heat. The waves were coming and going, I could hear the sound of them. I couldn't feel my body; it couldn't be more perfect than that.

How close to being gone while I could still choose to go back.