Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Itchy
Lost five kilos, gained seven.
Lost four hours of sleep per day, gained an addiction to herbal drops and teas.
Lost will, gained a white hair.
Lost patience, gained hyperactivity.
Lost faith, gained skepticism.
Lost control, gained a few scratches. Beautiful scratches.
Lost four hours of sleep per day, gained an addiction to herbal drops and teas.
Lost will, gained a white hair.
Lost patience, gained hyperactivity.
Lost faith, gained skepticism.
Lost control, gained a few scratches. Beautiful scratches.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Roller skates
They came to me twelve years ago and they were white and blue. As inconsistent as I am, I used them for a little while and then I kept them in their red bag. I didn't even bother to clean them properly...
I always thought they had red wheels, red brakes and red laces, so imagine my face when years later I opened the bag and found out they had blue wheels, blue brakes and white laces. Because of pure embarrassment, I never used them again outside my house and the thought of having to skate with anyone scared me to death.
What a stupidity... See? Sometimes a slap in the face gives you the push you had been looking for. It's a shame I need to be punched instead of slapped but... what a priceless afternoon in the park. Alone, yes, but finally not giving a shit about having to be perfect for anybody (advice: the more you try, the less you are!).
And I broke one of the brakes; does anyone know where to go to repair it?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Running away
If we could only see ourselves from our loved ones point of view, our life would be so much easier... At least for people like me whose expectations are higher than what we can actually afford.
Sunday afternoon, 28 degrees outside in the sun, I am at the beach, wearing a dress, sunglasses and covering my body with a towel. For you, the sun was shining on me and the breeze was just about cooling down the heat. For me, the sun was far away and unable to transmit warmth, the wind was taking off the little heat I could get and the towel was too small to cover me. It's impossible to sit down when you feel like running into the sea, far away from the shore, deep inside where there might be no return. If you do sit the feeling of running away will go in crescendo.
Three minutes of yelling later I had to leave. Ten minutes after I was running. In another ten minutes I couldn't hear anything but heavy breathing anymore. Next two minutes, the towel was gone. A minute later I had stopped and my knees were in touch with the ground. Thirty seconds later I was happy. I was so exhausted that my body couldn't bear me anymore. Ten seconds later I was lying down on the sand. The sun was shining, I could feel the heat. The waves were coming and going, I could hear the sound of them. I couldn't feel my body; it couldn't be more perfect than that.
How close to being gone while I could still choose to go back.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Stalker (1)
I went to Nottingham last Wednesday. After four years in the company I was finally invited to go to one of this major events called 'Annual Conference' where you meet all those people you normally speak over the phone with and you get to see first hand how professional we can look like. We could say it's a bonding experience at work.
I knew by heart the whole schedule so I was ready (and somehow excited and curious) at around 11.30 to welcome a stranger on stage. He was coming to talk to us about 'evolution'. In Spanish we have a say that reads 'what was first, the egg or the hen?' and, for two hours, I could only stare at him and think 'I am going to have to admit that life can be hilarious sometimes...'.
This guy comes on stage and starts talking. And the more he talks the more I feel he is talking to me (well, that's why he is a professional :)). At some point he was able to make me stand up and start dancing with 300 people while being conscious that I was being filmed (I could see myself on a huge screen on the stage). A bit later I was pretending to be at Wembley singing my best song to my one person special crowd while she was telling me how awful I was doing. And I still laughed.
What the hell? If I'm a disaster let's at least laugh about it for a second...
I knew by heart the whole schedule so I was ready (and somehow excited and curious) at around 11.30 to welcome a stranger on stage. He was coming to talk to us about 'evolution'. In Spanish we have a say that reads 'what was first, the egg or the hen?' and, for two hours, I could only stare at him and think 'I am going to have to admit that life can be hilarious sometimes...'.
This guy comes on stage and starts talking. And the more he talks the more I feel he is talking to me (well, that's why he is a professional :)). At some point he was able to make me stand up and start dancing with 300 people while being conscious that I was being filmed (I could see myself on a huge screen on the stage). A bit later I was pretending to be at Wembley singing my best song to my one person special crowd while she was telling me how awful I was doing. And I still laughed.
What the hell? If I'm a disaster let's at least laugh about it for a second...
Friday, May 2, 2008
Only shy
Someone told me today that I am shy.
I woke up today and I couldn't open my eyes. I would have stayed in bed until tomorrow but my mother had brought me an orange juice in an attempt to cure my new deep manly voice and I had to drink it. Like many other things in life, I had forgotten how a real orange juice tastes like... yummy!
Laying down in my bed, I could guess the sun was shining and, slowly, the noise from my street started to filter through my ears; I was definitely waking up, no chance I was going to fall asleep again. For one quick second I was happy: I was at home, being taken care of and with five holiday days ahead of me! Shame that that second went away so quickly...
My brain started spinning and my body jumped out of the bed; oh wow, better not looking at myself in the mirror, go to the shower, confirm that not eating doesn't help to loose weight, get dressed, open the door, grab my mother and leave the house... Thoughts had started coming in and staying there and by the time I left the hairdresser and my father took me to see where they keep their canoes, I had already had enough of myself.
Lunch time didn't work out either. A big delicious home made dish was devoured at the same pace I was blinking. Finish the food, put on the swimsuit, grab my mother again and go to the beach.
It was supposed to be good, the sun is good, the sea is good, the smell is good, the breeze is good. But I was not good. I simply couldn't see it. Suddenly I blocked. I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I wanted to explain what was happening to me but I couldn't bring myself to articulate any words. I wanted to hug my mother. I wanted to tell her. I realised how dissapointed I am of myself, how stupid it is not to do what you want to do every minute, how abnormal that is, how sick.
Two hours later I was at home. I had focused so badly in this that I couldn't see any good in anything anymore. There mustn't be any human explanation to this behaviour. I'm tired of looking for answers when the only answer is that I am a failure. I want to hug a friend but I can't do it. I want to say to someone how much they mean to me but I can't do it. I want to express how excited I am about something but I can't do it. And I know that it looks as if I just let life pass by. But I don't. I am enjoying all those moments and straight after I am drowning at the impossibility of communicating them. That's sick.
Then someone told me that I am shy. I had completely forgotten about it. I had worked so hard for so long on my self esteem, so hard for so long on getting over speaking in public, doing meetings, speaking with strangers, attending social events, feeling comfortable among strangers that I had forgotten that I am shy. The more I care, the more I become. The more I become, the more I need help to get over it. I'm not sick, I have this limit. I seriously work on it to stop it from blocking my acts and my real self but sometimes I need help.
Suddenly my thoughts have started to get off my brain. Maybe I'm not such a failure. Maybe I just need to keep on fighting and, some day, I might not need help in this anymore. Until that moment... thanks for reminding me that I am only shy.
I woke up today and I couldn't open my eyes. I would have stayed in bed until tomorrow but my mother had brought me an orange juice in an attempt to cure my new deep manly voice and I had to drink it. Like many other things in life, I had forgotten how a real orange juice tastes like... yummy!
Laying down in my bed, I could guess the sun was shining and, slowly, the noise from my street started to filter through my ears; I was definitely waking up, no chance I was going to fall asleep again. For one quick second I was happy: I was at home, being taken care of and with five holiday days ahead of me! Shame that that second went away so quickly...
My brain started spinning and my body jumped out of the bed; oh wow, better not looking at myself in the mirror, go to the shower, confirm that not eating doesn't help to loose weight, get dressed, open the door, grab my mother and leave the house... Thoughts had started coming in and staying there and by the time I left the hairdresser and my father took me to see where they keep their canoes, I had already had enough of myself.
Lunch time didn't work out either. A big delicious home made dish was devoured at the same pace I was blinking. Finish the food, put on the swimsuit, grab my mother again and go to the beach.
It was supposed to be good, the sun is good, the sea is good, the smell is good, the breeze is good. But I was not good. I simply couldn't see it. Suddenly I blocked. I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I wanted to explain what was happening to me but I couldn't bring myself to articulate any words. I wanted to hug my mother. I wanted to tell her. I realised how dissapointed I am of myself, how stupid it is not to do what you want to do every minute, how abnormal that is, how sick.
Two hours later I was at home. I had focused so badly in this that I couldn't see any good in anything anymore. There mustn't be any human explanation to this behaviour. I'm tired of looking for answers when the only answer is that I am a failure. I want to hug a friend but I can't do it. I want to say to someone how much they mean to me but I can't do it. I want to express how excited I am about something but I can't do it. And I know that it looks as if I just let life pass by. But I don't. I am enjoying all those moments and straight after I am drowning at the impossibility of communicating them. That's sick.
Then someone told me that I am shy. I had completely forgotten about it. I had worked so hard for so long on my self esteem, so hard for so long on getting over speaking in public, doing meetings, speaking with strangers, attending social events, feeling comfortable among strangers that I had forgotten that I am shy. The more I care, the more I become. The more I become, the more I need help to get over it. I'm not sick, I have this limit. I seriously work on it to stop it from blocking my acts and my real self but sometimes I need help.
Suddenly my thoughts have started to get off my brain. Maybe I'm not such a failure. Maybe I just need to keep on fighting and, some day, I might not need help in this anymore. Until that moment... thanks for reminding me that I am only shy.
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