I don't need anything. I don't need anyone.

I just want it :)

Pink

I don't really understand what has happened, what's going on with me and why things happen the way they do. I wish I could just look ahead with a sweet smile and a naughty one to the past... if it was just as easy as that...

The truth is that life goes on and you can fix very little looking back again and again, whether it's two days or two years. The sun will rise again, the calendar will loose another day, the alarm clock will wake us up no matter how hard we try to snooze it, the world will start again... and die while we sleep. The truth is that, as much as one can try to re-live and change the past out loud, time and space won't let us do it. So it should be easy to look ahead with a sweet smile and wink to the past... What an irony.

Wanting what we don't have, trying the impossible to get closer to what we wish for or mere chemistry stronger than the reason, the only truth is what we feel. Although because I am an under developed human being with a conscience, I cannot continue without ripping the skin off uncertainty and ignorance.

Tired

I am so tired... Tired of lying, tired of pretending, tired of being nice, tired of what life is. I love listening to all those who take decisions, all those who take their life and live it and don't wait for others to rule it. Tired. So fucking tired.

Discovered in my library

Alone in the cab

Life works up and down to keep the balance. Famous ying – yang, positive in the darkness or negative in the light. Walking around in circles suddenly the world collapses around us, we slowly manage to find solutions until we get over it and we get used to that feeling enough to provoke a new earthquake. And back to the beginning. Everybody, no exceptions.

Some people don't realise on time that they won't live this day ever again and other decide to ignore it. We spend our lives choosing and dressing up these choices as "must-do" from our world. Being smart helps to solve material needs and wreck your emotional status; it would be so great to be able to believe the big lie that says that society does not allow us to lead the life we want. The truth is that some things demand being brave to maintain them and others being brave to be defeated. The intelligence erases the eye mask.

Four birthday celebrations. Bloody great to feel the warmth of those around me. Great to know that, at the end, I came back home alone in the cab.

Psychic

I had a dream a few days ago. I was somewhere doing something... can't remember what, it was such a normal dream... Suddenly I started chatting with a stranger I had in my messenger who told me a friend was at the hospital because he had had minor surgery and he thought I should know. It was so unexpected and so unrelated to the actual dream that I woke up.

6.34am. I should be sleeping and not thinking about... oh, whatever. I thought how stupid that was and I went back to sleep but I think I stayed half awake, half asleep because I spent the whole next hour wondering what hospital it would be and what surgery it must have been, deciding whether I should go or not, or maybe call, if it was appropriate to bring flowers or chocolates, finding out (by chatting to this stranger) what hospital it was, working out from my memories what was the most probable surgery he must have gone under and deciding I should definitely go and bring a special (and specific) kind of chocolates I know he would like (flowers would be definitely pointless). And at the same time thinking what a waste of time all this was since it was u-n-r-e-a-l.

7.25am. My alarm clock goes off and I finally wake up. Completely. When I managed to lift my back from the mattress, sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at my feet I though what a bloody waste of time and energy all that had been since I could have slept for almost an hour and not stress myself out over nothing.

When I came back from the shower I realised something. There I was again. It was not the first time it happened. Every single time I have dreamed unexpectedly with someone I don't normally keep in touch with for whatever reason, it has meant I was going to bump into that person or receive news directly or indirectly in a very short period of time. Well... I am always right and I might be a psychic... This time it took only 24 hours.

Thank you

Itchy

Lost five kilos, gained seven.
Lost four hours of sleep per day, gained an addiction to herbal drops and teas.
Lost will, gained a white hair.
Lost patience, gained hyperactivity.
Lost faith, gained skepticism.

Lost control, gained a few scratches. Beautiful scratches.

'Sometimes I think I'm almost ready to leave, you know... this life' ("Dirty, Sexy, Money").

Shocking.

Roller skates

They came to me twelve years ago and they were white and blue. As inconsistent as I am, I used them for a little while and then I kept them in their red bag. I didn't even bother to clean them properly...

I always thought they had red wheels, red brakes and red laces, so imagine my face when years later I opened the bag and found out they had blue wheels, blue brakes and white laces. Because of pure embarrassment, I never used them again outside my house and the thought of having to skate with anyone scared me to death.

What a stupidity... See? Sometimes a slap in the face gives you the push you had been looking for. It's a shame I need to be punched instead of slapped but... what a priceless afternoon in the park. Alone, yes, but finally not giving a shit about having to be perfect for anybody (advice: the more you try, the less you are!).

And I broke one of the brakes; does anyone know where to go to repair it?

Running away

If we could only see ourselves from our loved ones point of view, our life would be so much easier... At least for people like me whose expectations are higher than what we can actually afford.

Sunday afternoon, 28 degrees outside in the sun, I am at the beach, wearing a dress, sunglasses and covering my body with a towel. For you, the sun was shining on me and the breeze was just about cooling down the heat. For me, the sun was far away and unable to transmit warmth, the wind was taking off the little heat I could get and the towel was too small to cover me. It's impossible to sit down when you feel like running into the sea, far away from the shore, deep inside where there might be no return. If you do sit the feeling of running away will go in crescendo.

Three minutes of yelling later I had to leave. Ten minutes after I was running. In another ten minutes I couldn't hear anything but heavy breathing anymore. Next two minutes, the towel was gone. A minute later I had stopped and my knees were in touch with the ground. Thirty seconds later I was happy. I was so exhausted that my body couldn't bear me anymore. Ten seconds later I was lying down on the sand. The sun was shining, I could feel the heat. The waves were coming and going, I could hear the sound of them. I couldn't feel my body; it couldn't be more perfect than that.

How close to being gone while I could still choose to go back.

Stalker (1)

I went to Nottingham last Wednesday. After four years in the company I was finally invited to go to one of this major events called 'Annual Conference' where you meet all those people you normally speak over the phone with and you get to see first hand how professional we can look like. We could say it's a bonding experience at work.

I knew by heart the whole schedule so I was ready (and somehow excited and curious) at around 11.30 to welcome a stranger on stage. He was coming to talk to us about 'evolution'. In Spanish we have a say that reads 'what was first, the egg or the hen?' and, for two hours, I could only stare at him and think 'I am going to have to admit that life can be hilarious sometimes...'.

This guy comes on stage and starts talking. And the more he talks the more I feel he is talking to me (well, that's why he is a professional :)). At some point he was able to make me stand up and start dancing with 300 people while being conscious that I was being filmed (I could see myself on a huge screen on the stage). A bit later I was pretending to be at Wembley singing my best song to my one person special crowd while she was telling me how awful I was doing. And I still laughed.

What the hell? If I'm a disaster let's at least laugh about it for a second...

Only shy

Someone told me today that I am shy.

I woke up today and I couldn't open my eyes. I would have stayed in bed until tomorrow but my mother had brought me an orange juice in an attempt to cure my new deep manly voice and I had to drink it. Like many other things in life, I had forgotten how a real orange juice tastes like... yummy!
Laying down in my bed, I could guess the sun was shining and, slowly, the noise from my street started to filter through my ears; I was definitely waking up, no chance I was going to fall asleep again. For one quick second I was happy: I was at home, being taken care of and with five holiday days ahead of me! Shame that that second went away so quickly...

My brain started spinning and my body jumped out of the bed; oh wow, better not looking at myself in the mirror, go to the shower, confirm that not eating doesn't help to loose weight, get dressed, open the door, grab my mother and leave the house... Thoughts had started coming in and staying there and by the time I left the hairdresser and my father took me to see where they keep their canoes, I had already had enough of myself.
Lunch time didn't work out either. A big delicious home made dish was devoured at the same pace I was blinking. Finish the food, put on the swimsuit, grab my mother again and go to the beach.

It was supposed to be good, the sun is good, the sea is good, the smell is good, the breeze is good. But I was not good. I simply couldn't see it. Suddenly I blocked. I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I wanted to explain what was happening to me but I couldn't bring myself to articulate any words. I wanted to hug my mother. I wanted to tell her. I realised how dissapointed I am of myself, how stupid it is not to do what you want to do every minute, how abnormal that is, how sick.

Two hours later I was at home. I had focused so badly in this that I couldn't see any good in anything anymore. There mustn't be any human explanation to this behaviour. I'm tired of looking for answers when the only answer is that I am a failure. I want to hug a friend but I can't do it. I want to say to someone how much they mean to me but I can't do it. I want to express how excited I am about something but I can't do it. And I know that it looks as if I just let life pass by. But I don't. I am enjoying all those moments and straight after I am drowning at the impossibility of communicating them. That's sick.

Then someone told me that I am shy. I had completely forgotten about it. I had worked so hard for so long on my self esteem, so hard for so long on getting over speaking in public, doing meetings, speaking with strangers, attending social events, feeling comfortable among strangers that I had forgotten that I am shy. The more I care, the more I become. The more I become, the more I need help to get over it. I'm not sick, I have this limit. I seriously work on it to stop it from blocking my acts and my real self but sometimes I need help.

Suddenly my thoughts have started to get off my brain. Maybe I'm not such a failure. Maybe I just need to keep on fighting and, some day, I might not need help in this anymore. Until that moment... thanks for reminding me that I am only shy.