Small doses

I wonder why I am seen as a strong person when I am so clearly not...

Today I tried to be strong. I started thinking in the morning if I should do something or just stick to my beliefs and I had to convince myself to stick to them. Actually, I tricked myself into believing that by postponing an action I would be sticking to my beliefs, but at least I made it through the morning and the afternoon. The evening came and I was proud of myself... but two beers later I started thinking all over again and suddenly seemed quite obvious that I had waited enough and I was already allowed to act.

So I did. And it went well. But... so what??

If it had not gone well I would have been facing a difficult end of the night. And the fact is that it only gave me a small dose to keep on going but it did not help long term.

If I had stuck to my beliefs, I would be miserable but disciplined enough to start letting it go. Because all I did, and all I do, is postpone actions to trick my brain, and then act on those terms to make the process longer so I don't have to face the reality. And it will take me who knows how long this time to believe that the only way to get over it is stopping.

But I am not that strong to listen to myself so... I will keep on taking the small doses until life acts on my behalf once again.

Options: what would you give up?

One of my best entertainments is dreaming awake. You can choose what you want and what you don't want, you can rewind, cut and paste, change and replay forever. You can pretend to be different and nobody would ever spot it... it belongs to you. You can play to be who you really want to be with whom you really want to be and how you would really like it to be with the advantage of not hurting anyone.

I used to do it closing my eyes and keeping my body steady, focusing on my thoughts and forgetting whatever I had around me. Funny though how someone can develop almost anything with practise... Now I can sit in the bus or walk by the street dreaming I am somewhere else and still be alert, still be here, still be aware of what is going on... still answer questions. Still talk. Still work.

I have chosen to stop dreaming awake more than once. You recreate a situation so much in your mind that you end up either believing or aching because it doesn't come true. At that point you either choose to believe the lie hoping it will come true or stopping everything at once; as a reasonable human being, you stop. It's a matter of discipline, you choose to stop and you force your brain to stop. It hurts for a few days and then it will disappear.

Sometimes life looks back at you and makes you realise that fear doesn't get you anywhere... did you actually give up your dream or potential reality?

Choosing simple

Something has changed.

For a second I thought I had become less patient; the truth is I just don't have time for games that lead nowhere anymore. Three years ago, as an act of desperation, I turned my back to my life and ran away as far as I was able to go. A year and a half ago I tried to bluff myself for the last time before my own ego laughed at me and pushed me down. Three days ago I had to stop justifying.

Master as I am in looking at something from all different perspectives, I have run out of will to understand. I don't want to force me to get over things through the most difficult path when the only reason for it is making other's lives easier and mine more frustrating. There is actually no point but it has taken me a few years (and tears) to understand.

Life is what you make of it; you can always choose. Now I can choose between making things simple or make an effort to complicate them. And this time, I choose simple. And for once in my life it seems just the right choice... and it doesn't even feel selfish at all.